Al speaking to blog #1

Dear John: My First Love

Dear First Love,  there was a time when I would start off with asking how you have been. But that day is far behind me. Speaking truthfully, a lot of things are falling behind me. We met June 2, 2004. So many things changed in me that day. A feeling that I had never felt welled up in my heart. I fell for you from the start. There was a ton of things that touched my heart about you. I never thought I would be without you. There was nothing I wouldn't do for you, and you for me. Even through all of my selfish, forgetful, unthoughtful times, you stuck it out with me. For five years in fact.

Like all good things go, there was the bad to curve them. But were a team. We stuck it out together in a lot of situations. We cared for each other, making a good life for ourselves. Nobody could tell us anything. When I look at where we started, in a weekly hotel room, with one car, and where we ended up, a completely brand new 2 bedroom apartment with two cars, I see the progress we made. We never neglected to help whoever we could, cousins, parents, and friends. I'm shaking my head at all of the things we did. But we were always okay. We worked hard, and we always came home to each other. I never saw anyone else but you. I never paid attention to anyone who made a pass at me, or you for that matter, because I knew what WE had. We stood up for each other. We built each other up. We encouraged each other. We truly loved each other.

Looking back at our past with each other, I still find it hard to realize where we ended up. I thought we just needed some time apart, to step back and see what we needed out of ourselves and each other. I couldn't imagine my self without you. When I thought about the next 5,10, 20 years, all I saw was you. It hurt me the day I honestly came to you and told you I did not love you. I cried for so long about that. I know I hurt you, but I was hurting also. I had to tell you the truth. But I still wanted you. I wanted to do whatever it took to repair our relationship. I guess our time apart gave you the opportunity to see what you really wanted, and it wasn't me. I saw your true personality when I was out of the picture. You broke my trust like I don't think will ever happen again.  I've blamed myself for a lot of what happened to us, but know, I can see the truth. You did exactly what you wanted to do. That's why we are where we are today. You had to go and do you, and that is okay with me.

You will never know what you did to me. I know I hurt you, but you completely broke me down. I'm still rebuilding. It is going to take me awhile to do so. But, I will do it. I'm over our past. I'm over what we had. I'm over what I did. I'm over what you did to me. I'm over you. I wish the best for you in your life. This is my dear john to you. I'm not sure you will ever see it. But this is it. I said my peace.

Goodbye

Adele - First Love

Love Sessions #1

This is a nice blend of music I put together for personal use some time ago, but I decided to share it here. It is a torrent file, so just click on the link, wait for it to download, and enjoy.

Love Sessions #1 Free Download

Walk on by -->

How many times have you walked past something, completely ignoring any significance it may have? Some people go through their lives taking advantage of everything that comes to them. They jump on every opportunity that is in front of them, whether they need it or not. Then you have those who calculate the things presented to them. They really sit back and think about the decisions they are going to embark on, not wanting to waste any time on superfluous things. Lastly, you have those who seem to move blindly, like nothing ever phases them. But, right at the last moment, they look back, albeit to late, and see their missed chances. I believe i'm the last. Over the years, I've had many things come and go, but I never took the chance. I just stayed in the lane I was in, never jumping on anything quickly, and rarely even calculating the benefits of others. I never seem to stray from what I am comfortable with. Its not that i'm afraid of new things. I'm just afraid to lose what I have at the moment.

Now, over this past year, I have lost a lot of the things I've acquired, so that feeling of being without is not so scary. I've lost my apartment. I've lost my car. I've lost my furniture. Just things here and there that meant something to me. But what I have realized finally, is that, in this past year, I really lost two friends. One being my x-wife, and the other, my best friend. I have really tried to suppress my feelings on this matter, but I can no longer turn my back on it. I was told by a very wise person that the breaking of these two relationships would take me on a roller coaster of emotions. Man, was that the truest thing ever. It's not even the matter in which it happened. I have moved passed that. It's the fact that, no matter how I feel about them now, I had a very close bond to these people, for many years. I have seen both of them this year. I even went as far as to reach out to my friend, hoping to patch up my friendship. But alas, it just is not meant to be. I was trying to fill the loneliness in my heart with what I always new to be comforting, my friendship, my brotherhood, my trust, in my my nigga. But all of that was torn away from me suddenly. I can never have that back. And it's just not fair. But, that same wise person told me that life's not fair. As i'm writing this, my eyes still tear up, as it has so much this year. But, no more tears roll down my face. Not any more. I know recognize that they are gone away from me forever. It shouldn't have been like this, but it is, and my life must move on.

I do have great comfort though. Through all of the things we have been through this year, my woman, Tiffany, has been with me. I can honestly say that she has no real knowledge of the pain I have, because I don't talk about it. And even so, she has still made moves with me. She has had to deal with a great deal of silence from me because I had no idea on how to express my feelings to her, afraid to seem like less of a man to her. I wanted her to know I could be strong for the both of us. I neglected her comfort. I also have two great friends, who have been strongholds for me when I needed them. Brandon and Ray. My other two brothers. My baby brother even has a great deal of respect for them. I've cried to them, I've yelled my feelings to them, I've just been broken right in front of them. But they always gave me comfort, in their own ways. And of course, I have had my dear mother there for me every step of the way. Ma, I love you. Thats all I can say.

This morning is going to mark a new beginning for me. It isn't my first, and I feel it won't be my last. I look forward to the evolution. I am no longer going to just walk on by. I'm going to be more alert. More aggressive. Become the positive, loving, outgoing person I was before. Thank you to everyone who has a part in creating who I am.

I'm coming home...

Issac Hayes - Walk On By

A Mother's Support

This is somewhat of a tribute to my mom, Amanda Upton. I had typed this whole page on my feelings for my mom, but it just felt to formal. I love my mom with all my heart, and that's what i want these comments to feel like, heartfelt. I'm not going to go into how my mother raised me all by herself. She trained me to be the man that I am today, and till this very day, she still continues to groom me into a better person. I've been in Texas for two weeks now, but there has not been one day when she has not called me at least a FEW times a day. Not only does she comfort me when i'm lonely, but she still manages to give me great advice worth following. My mom is not one to TELL me what to do. She treats me like a friend, encouraging me to make my own decisions, even though, I know she is probably thinking that's not going to work out. But she doesn't do that. She guides me the best way she can, and lets me see how things work out. Sometimes they do, but most time they don't. But, she can't live my life for me. But, to know I can always turn back to her and give her my big childish look, like "it didn't work out ma", and not get put down, builds me up so much. I'm getting stronger everyday. I perk up as soon as I hear her voice. I like to even hear her voice on her answering machine. I will never be able to fully explain how much she does for me at such a long distance. I don't need to I suppose. I will let my appreciation show through my actions. I will always reach for the highest ring I can attain. 

I Love You Ma

Your Son

Alexander C. McBrayer

A song for you Ma

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tap90z44WR8

This is deffinatley going on my next mixtape...wanted to give you a sneak peak!
http://soundcloud.com/goapele/nothing-compares-2-u

All new to me (but refreshing nonetheless)

I'm a lot better with introductions in person. Some would say i'm quiet or reserved when first approached, but i'm really a very outgoing person. I guess it is the things that have occurred in my life that have shaped me into the person I am. I never understood how that happened until it happened to me. Oh well. So here we are. I remember back on September 11, 2001, I started writing a journal. I thought to myself that the events unfurling that morning were gonna be something I would never forget, and so I should chronicle the events. I kept that journal for a a few years. Then, at some wack point in my life, it was lost forever. I never really put that much effort into putting my thoughts down again. This is my new attempt. I guess we will see how it goes. Give some insight into my brain, and see what people think (if they even care). So here goes. Peace and Love to all.