Walk on by -->

How many times have you walked past something, completely ignoring any significance it may have? Some people go through their lives taking advantage of everything that comes to them. They jump on every opportunity that is in front of them, whether they need it or not. Then you have those who calculate the things presented to them. They really sit back and think about the decisions they are going to embark on, not wanting to waste any time on superfluous things. Lastly, you have those who seem to move blindly, like nothing ever phases them. But, right at the last moment, they look back, albeit to late, and see their missed chances. I believe i'm the last. Over the years, I've had many things come and go, but I never took the chance. I just stayed in the lane I was in, never jumping on anything quickly, and rarely even calculating the benefits of others. I never seem to stray from what I am comfortable with. Its not that i'm afraid of new things. I'm just afraid to lose what I have at the moment.

Now, over this past year, I have lost a lot of the things I've acquired, so that feeling of being without is not so scary. I've lost my apartment. I've lost my car. I've lost my furniture. Just things here and there that meant something to me. But what I have realized finally, is that, in this past year, I really lost two friends. One being my x-wife, and the other, my best friend. I have really tried to suppress my feelings on this matter, but I can no longer turn my back on it. I was told by a very wise person that the breaking of these two relationships would take me on a roller coaster of emotions. Man, was that the truest thing ever. It's not even the matter in which it happened. I have moved passed that. It's the fact that, no matter how I feel about them now, I had a very close bond to these people, for many years. I have seen both of them this year. I even went as far as to reach out to my friend, hoping to patch up my friendship. But alas, it just is not meant to be. I was trying to fill the loneliness in my heart with what I always new to be comforting, my friendship, my brotherhood, my trust, in my my nigga. But all of that was torn away from me suddenly. I can never have that back. And it's just not fair. But, that same wise person told me that life's not fair. As i'm writing this, my eyes still tear up, as it has so much this year. But, no more tears roll down my face. Not any more. I know recognize that they are gone away from me forever. It shouldn't have been like this, but it is, and my life must move on.

I do have great comfort though. Through all of the things we have been through this year, my woman, Tiffany, has been with me. I can honestly say that she has no real knowledge of the pain I have, because I don't talk about it. And even so, she has still made moves with me. She has had to deal with a great deal of silence from me because I had no idea on how to express my feelings to her, afraid to seem like less of a man to her. I wanted her to know I could be strong for the both of us. I neglected her comfort. I also have two great friends, who have been strongholds for me when I needed them. Brandon and Ray. My other two brothers. My baby brother even has a great deal of respect for them. I've cried to them, I've yelled my feelings to them, I've just been broken right in front of them. But they always gave me comfort, in their own ways. And of course, I have had my dear mother there for me every step of the way. Ma, I love you. Thats all I can say.

This morning is going to mark a new beginning for me. It isn't my first, and I feel it won't be my last. I look forward to the evolution. I am no longer going to just walk on by. I'm going to be more alert. More aggressive. Become the positive, loving, outgoing person I was before. Thank you to everyone who has a part in creating who I am.

I'm coming home...

Issac Hayes - Walk On By