Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
Expectations
There's no other way to put it: I do not fulfill peoples expectations of me. I'm not sure if I ever have. I often wonder if people know that I'm not confident in myself all of the time. I am fully aware of my weaknesses, and they often send me into deep bouts of depression, for reasons I am not clear of. But they do effect me. That is a large reason why I stray away from being the center of anything. I have failed in many parts of my life, leaving me with not much to relieve my anguish. So many things around me that I held so very dear has disappeared, so much to the point that I blame myself for it because it seems to never end. I've grown afraid to make any major moves. I know I shouldn't right now. I have still much to sort out, to understand.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Captivated
I recently turned 27 this past May 7th. As always, the day goes past like any other. Nothing momentous ever happens on that day for me. I merely relax and stay to myself, like usual. I feel there are many other days of my life far more important that are worth celebrating more than my day of birth. I don't sense the urge to bring up those times right now, being that I'm too focused on my current feelings.
I've been feeling like I've been in a slump lately, not being very social, rarely getting out of my truck. I feel like a teenager, going through another growth spurt. I don't have much need for contact; Don't want it, truth be told. I spend much time in seclusion, trying to find the purpose of...oh, who knows. I then try to figure out what I want to do with my life...that's even more mind boggling. Ok, so know I focus on my strengths, hoping maybe then I can come to some kind of road to go down that looks promising. Still don't see it. What the heck is going on with me?
Then boom, one conversation with a great motivational force in my life, I begin to think clearly. As much as I enjoy associating with people, I spend much time by myself. I actually prefer being alone much of the time. I keep a small circle, and without intentionally meaning to, I keep it that way. I limit my association with those I don't know. I only let the relationship go as far as the time we are around each other permits. Out of that, I realized how self sufficient I am. When all else fails, I always know that I can take care if myself in all aspects. It is that thought that keeps me energized everyday out on this road everyday. It is that same quality that supported me throughout the loss of some very significant relationships.
With that said, I now recognize that I didn't just become this way, but that I just realized it. As I child, while my mother was providing a living for us, I was left with the task to keep myself entertained, either by reading adventurous books, building small worlds with my lego's, collecting pretty much everything under the sun and keeping it all in order, or whatever captivated me until my mom came home. My mother is also a great source of imagination, often laying out a blanket in the middle of the living room for a picnic. I guess it was all of those things that help create the man I am today.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Beautiful Sky
Just waking up to another day is beautiful, but then we get to see sun blaze through the sky with such a variety of colors. Good morning.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Patience
I'm pretty good with keeping myself occupied, being that I grew up an only child and was by myself a lot. I guess the world was much bigger then. For three days now, I have been in my truck sitting at a truck stop in the middle of nowhere, but have somehow been able to keep my sanity. I did some reconnaissance my first day here and immediately felt an eerie gaze upon me. I believe this town is rarely bestowed with such a person as I, aimlessly roaming its roads, and would prefer to keep it that way.
So, confined to truck 10187 I have since remained. In this time, I was able to watch the complete four seasons of The Venture Brothers, reorganized my whole truck, and continued to work on an ongoing project of mine. As much as I have enjoyed all of these activities, I don't make money sitting. But alas, money has lost importance to me. As long as I'm fed and clean, I'm pretty much good to go. The world around me is filled with such a variety of entertainment! Just walking around any truck stop can keep me highly entertained for some time. I know that money comes and goes (mostly the latter), so I can wait a wee bit longer to start rolling I suppose.
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Nothing but time
I've been sitting under a single load in Greenwood, LA, for three days now. But fortunately, my imagination has kept me so busy, I don't know where the time has gone. I had a great thinking session with my friends David S and Ray A. It's amazing to be surrounded by friends with spectacular ideas! They constantly encourage me to scheme on new things. And then my best supporter in the universe, my mother. Everytime we speak, she sparks my soul. Back to work!
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